Differenciating the past and present.

Take my hand, take my whole life too
For I can't help falling in love with you.

Those words were mechanical, repetitive my freshman year of high school. I can still remember the way the choir sounded. The crescendos. The forte pianos. Where my focus was. How the notes moved from my mouth to blend. One sound. One voice. One choir. This was the song we sang in Lebanon Singers my freshman year. There were people like Caleb Shiller, Derek Carrozza, Sami Szenay, Megan Neihaus, Danielle Seals, Jesse Ball, Marlee Poitinger. I looked up to them. They led the choir. We got out this music to sing again this year, and I felt I should have come full circle. Though the voices aren't the same, the emotion should be. The feeling should be.

Wrong.

Things change. To my personal opinion, the choir isn't as good. Those strong voices that I could never even compare myself are missing. That sense of family has been erased. No one really cares. Those role models, where are they? Then I realized something. I'm supposed to be that person people look up to. Those juniors and seniors I thought were so fantastic, so amazing, that's me now. Then came this thought:

I'm no longer naive; I can comprehend this song.

As a freshman singing this song the emotion is fake. How can you sing of being unable to resist loving someone when you've never actually been in love. Not true love. Not romantic love. In your innocence you know to be happy, to be lively, to smile, to exude positive energy. However, it's more than that. This song is everything. It's placing trust in another human being who is capable of hurting you. Who is capable of hurting you deep, everlasting, long term. This song is everything you try to condense with 3 words: I love you. It's aknowledging that fate brought you close to another soul. Falling in love is the most frightening, blinding thing, but this song is bold. Love makes you take a chance of being broken to find something bigger. Love makes you understand.

One of my best friends said it best (Granted, this is out of context, but it still says a lot): "Do I think it's a big deal? Absolutely. But I also think showing someone you really care about how you feel is a beautiful thing. So is the idea of loving him a little more. I think you're brave."

This reminds me of what music is supposed to convey. Music is supposed to be pure emotion. It isn't rehearsed, discussed, critiqued. Pure music is an outpouring of the soul. I think I've began to forget this. I've forgotten the power music has to affect. I've forgotten the wisdom of Mr. Beal; Hes the true epitome of music for joy. Music wasn't his job. Music was the one thing he could do for others. It was his positive good. Which is what music should be. After all the tears from Singers and Musical, I really just want to perform music for me. Not for my teacher. Not for a judge. For me. I want piano back.


Music is like pouring salt in a wound. It hurts like crap, but at the same time it discenfects.

How many hours of sleep do you think I need to function to get through tomorrow? I have some music to create.