This is for the benefit of those who read my blog - a.k.a. Darby, whom I called a few hours ago, and Libby. (Libby, you've had a rough week. Please don't read this unless you want to be bogged down with my current story. Its sad.) This is copied directly out of what I wrote in my journal. I know that you guys care about me and want to see inside my head right now. So here it is: exactly what is going on, and exactly what I think, without censorship or editing.
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I have a headache. My eyes are puffy and I'm wondering if I'm ever going to run out of tears. Tonight has probably been one of, if not the most difficult night of my life. After twenty months, I said goodbye to my boyfriend and best friend.
Or is it goodbye? Nothing is typical with us, with our relationship. We are staying best friends. I bought him a webcam for graduation so we can skype. He promised that I could see him the week before he left for Harvard. I can still text him, still talk with him, still keep him in my life.
That is a long time to get to know someone. How can I take a step back in our relationship. I feel so alone without his hand to hold, his body for me to fall asleep against, completely at ease. No one else has ever accepted me, and all my quirks and faults, without hesitation. I finally let myself fall, only to have love wrenched away from me by distance and situation.
I remember everything: Our first encounter at HOBY. Going to the fair. I was oblivious; I should have known he liked me at that very moment. A date at starbucks. A date at the Ice Cream Parlor. My first TFOM show, and the set list asking me to homecoming.Our first kiss on a nature trail. I was sick, but he kissed me anyway. Three homecomings. Three Proms. countless basketball and football games. School rivals. One Columbus Crew game. One Reds game. Five Guys. Smashburger. Bravos. Coldstone. Shows. Asking Alexandria. Twenty One Pilots. Cox Arboretum. Two Graduations. A Thousand phone calls.
September 27, 2009, but really June 18, 2009. I spent exactly half of my high school experience with Anthony. He's shaped who I am. Not that I am not an individual, but so much of me is him as well. There're material posessions: two shirts, one belt, two scarves, one necklace, one bracelet, one silver box, one furry blanket, one penguin, one postcard, hundreds of photos. But then there is hte intangible. His taste in music. The way he'd make fun of me for being silly, acting like a child, or sleeping all the time. The way he'd dissect pop music. Even the way he'd laugh is ingrained in my mind. Everything reminds me of him.
The truth is that I'm scared. Im scared of moving on. I have no reason to hate him. What if he moves on before I do and finds a Harvard girl? What if I never stop loving him? What if I never find someone as perfect as him? I wish I would have not taken for granted the last two years. How was I supposed to know that our relationship would last.I was cautious. I didnt want to fall too fast, too hard, but I also didnt want to make a mistake.
I sumetimes find an unusual comfort in the fact that our physical relationship didn't go as far as our emotional one. I honestly don'the'd dissect pop music. Even the way he'd laugh is ingrained ni my mind. Everything reminds me of him.
The truth is that I'm afraid. I'm scared of moving on what if I never stop loving him? think I could have made it then.
I now don't know how to be single. I don't want to be single. For once I cant bear to be an optimist. Right now I'm listening to Mumford & Sons. There's a searing pain in my forehead, so bad that I can barely see. I feel sick to my stomach. My heart feels as though someone has it in between two hands, squeezing until it breaks. Emotional pain is truly worse than physical pain.
We spent two hours on his couch crying today. We were playing wii tennis, and I lost twice, after barely trying. I told him I was done, sat on the couch, and burst into silent sobs,my head buried in a pillow. He sat down with me and I buried my head in his chest and left mascara stains on his shirt. It was the first and only time I have ever seen him cry. He leaves Monday morning. We still love each other, and said so in between falling tears today. He chose education over love. I hope he feels like I do right now.
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